What doesn’t kill you

I know things could be so much worse. SO.MUCH worse. I KNOW there are TONS of people that have so many worse issues than us. I KNOW this. I have even had worse. For gawd’s sake, I’ve dealt with a mom with cancer (more than once! She nearly died more than once!) and I have lost a child. I KNOW things can be truly awful. My dad has Parkinson’s and dementia and my parents have truly awful times that we have made it through together, and we still have many more to go through…I KNOW things can be so much worse.

But good heavens, can life PLEASE slow down on us and improve soon? PLEASE?

Luckily, some of what’s been happening also have a bright side, so I am going to keep focusing on those…and I don’t actually feel super overwhelmed right now like I have in the past. I find it exhausting still but nearly amusing that this shit keeps happening.

So, on top of the fact that we are probably just mere weeks away from not knowing when Adam will get paid again…we are still in the middle of a global pandemic…my tooth hasn’t been fixed yet (it’s cracked, I cannot chew on it and I am scheduled to get a crown, which is going to cost us over $600 after insurance)…my shoulder is frozen and hurts like a mother constantly (in physical therapy to help, but THAT hurts even more and will take time to help) and wears me out SO MUCH and makes it difficult for me to spend extended time on the computer (which complicates my trying to launch an online business)…plus one car down (broken van, can’t afford to fix it, so it’s been sitting in our driveway for over a year) and one that is making funny noises and in need of getting checked out again (it’s a 96 Corolla…that puppy has been hanging in there!) …PLUS all the zillions of things around this house that are in need of fixing and clothes that are worn out/outgrown and need replacing but we cannot yet do anything about…and cats that need vet visits but have to wait…on top of ALL THAT (and more I’m forgetting to mention)…

OUR FUCKING FRIDGE DECIDED TO GO AND BREAK THIS WEEKEND.

Yeah.

Well, the GOOD NEWS is that we are getting a brand new one FOR FREE from a PG&E low income energy assistance program (one of the benefits of having a kid on Medi-Cal!) …PLUS a new washer! Since both of ours are like 20 years old.

The BAD NEWS is that they don’t yet have one to give us. And so…we will be living out of a camping cooler until they can bring one to us.

Not the end of the world. We can manage. I think Adam’s more stressed about it than I am. I keep telling him it’s fine, we can manage. Since Monday was payday there wasn’t a lot in the fridge anyway…we are going to lose some chicken but we could have lost a lot more if it hadn’t happened right before payday!

I have been getting all the crap that needed to be thrown out, out of the fridge, and moving the important stuff into our camping cooler with ice now that I dug it out of the shed.

THANK YOU to my parents for giving it to us after they moved and downsized. We may be getting another cooler if we feel we need another…our stimulus check just came in TODAY! But we need to hold onto that money since we may be without paychecks soon, so we will have to see how things go.

Honestly, the fact that all this has lined up the way it has…the fridge dying just before we are getting a new one…money stopping just as we get a stimulus check and soon our tax refund….I feel like we are going to be fine. Even if it hadn’t, I know we’d have figured out a way to make it. We always do. Somehow.

SIDE TRACK FOR A MOMENT: Before anyone starts to think…”Hey, isn’t she an at-home mom? Why doesn’t she go get a job and help her financially strapped family?” I realize that I don’t owe anyone an explanation on this. But I also realize that it’s a natural thought to go to in this predominantly 2-income family society. I will try to keep this short (if I am even capable of that.)

Adam and I made the decision early in our marriage that I was going to stay home with our kids. Honestly, it was mostly me who wanted to do it. But Adam agreed it was right for us. My jobs have always been low-paying as they revolve around working with children (sadly, that’s due to our society placing such a low value on these jobs. Even with my bachelor’s in child development, I still cannot make anywhere near what Adam can make in his field with no college education)…and it never made sense to us to pay someone to take care of our kids so that I could go take care of someone else’s kids. NO SENSE. And of course, I WANTED to be home with them.

Now that the kids are mostly grown (15 and 20), they still need me. Tyren is still being homeschooled and needs a constant reminder to get his work done and Maeven hasn’t launched yet and has mental health issues that we are still trying to figure out how to help her with. The pandemic has thrown a huge monkey wrench into getting her that help. Not to mention my own mental health issues that throw even more complications into the mix.

I have a super hard time multi-tasking and I KNOW that if I were to work outside the home, that my home responsibilities would suffer greatly. Like HUGELY. I just am not one that can juggle things like that. I have great respect for those that can do it, but I know myself and I just cannot. When I have done projects over the years outside my home (BabyFest, Discovery Center events, the original Learning Village project), my home life suffered in very big ways.

Maybe over time, I could figure it out, but I already struggle every day trying to get stuff done around here…I don’t want to set us back even further. My ADHD makes everything harder. And before you go to this line of thinking…YES, I do put my kids to work. They do a fair bit of work around this house. But they still need me to build and maintain the structure and I struggle with that very much already. If I were multitasking even more with outside work, I just don’t know how anything would get done.

So I focus, for now, on my online business and making money there. I KNOW I can do it. I just have to focus and make it work. That’s the hard part. But I am moving forward and working so very hard daily to make that a reality.

I am the eternal optimist so I know all these difficulties that get thrown our way will always all work out, somehow. But I prefer to not have to go through all the stress, of course. And my husband doesn’t see life the way I do and I prefer him to not have to deal with all this stress. It’s stressful to me to feel his stress. I am greatly affected by other people’s emotions.

Anyway…we’ll be ok. I have gotten the food sorted for now. And we just have to keep buying ice. It’s all good. The new fridge is coming. They made us a priority and I will keep calling and bugging them about it. We’ll just keep emptying ice water and trying to keep our cold food to a minimum.

Oh and did I mention that I’m now on a CPAP at night for sleep apnea?

Darth Mama
AKA, My CPAP and I

I actually am sleeping better finally! If it weren’t for my frozen shoulder, I probably would be sleeping great! But the pain in my shoulder makes everything difficult and I still am tired during the day because of all the pain.

Well, things are slowly improving at least. If I could just stop taking steps backwards, I could be going forwards a LOT FASTER!!

I just need the universe to stop throwing crap at me, PLEASE!!!

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