I’m really a mom

posted in: The Joys of Parenting | 0

I was going through some old journals of mine tonight, looking for something, and I came across this entry that I just had to post here because it made me smile:

From a 9/20/06 entry–

I had an interesting moment today: I was mixing cookie dough w/a toddler on my lap, one boob hanging out cuz I had just finished nursing him, baby sticking a spatula in my mouth to lick, (5yr old) Maeven telling me “Mommy watch!!” skipping around the kitchen—My thought: “Oh yeah, I’m really a mom!!”

The images I used for this post are from the same month that this entry was written.

Grasping at Clouds

posted in: Musings | 0

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, you’re just grasping at clouds? Like you are trying and trying and trying to get something done, but no matter what you do, it just keeps slipping between your fingers?

Yeah. One of those days here. Weeks even. Months? I keep feeling like I’m taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps back.

I can’t seem to get my brain in focus today to get the stuff done that I want to get done. So I thought I’d take a break and blog a bit and see if I can clear my head. I’m not on my ADHD meds today so that definitely has something to do with it. But I had physical therapy today halfway through the day and I don’t like to take them on these days. It feels like a waste. If I take them before I go, I will get interrupted and have to leave while I’m in the middle of a roll (and that is SO HARD to get started again!) And if I wait until I get back to take them, it’s really too late in the day at that point.

Ah well. So I’m trying to work unmedicated today. It’s not really that big of a difference since I am on a new med (Ritalin wasn’t really working for me so I asked to try Adderall) and it’s on the very lowest dose and not really helping me yet either. But it is better than nothing.

Anyway, I do feel like in general that I’m making great progress on Tina’s Learning Adventures lately. I’ve been busting my ass, working endless hours on it. But it still isn’t bringing in any money. Not even paying for itself yet.

But I’m NOT giving up! I think about all those authors and actors and singers (etc…) that say that if you’re not being told “no” you’re not trying hard enough. Or however the saying goes. You know, the thing about how many publishers rejected JK Rowling before she was finally picked up. That sort of thing.

I KNOW that what I have to offer is amazing and that I can help so many homeschoolers. I already have! A LOT. And what I have created and am creating on my site now is the next level and can do so much more…and could actually help our family out financially as well. It’s time.

I just have to keep on keepin’ on. It’ll happen. Eventually. I’m not giving up. I KNOW I can make this work and it’ll be AMAZING. Someday. I just hope that someday is before our tax refund runs out.

Time feels like it’s just slipping away

posted in: Bleh, Ramblings | 0

I have a migraine again. I rarely get them these days, and I have had 2 now in the span of a week. It drains me.

This pandemic just is endless. The days seem to just fly by and yet nothing ever changes.

And our financial situation keeps getting worse and worse and now I’m at the freaked out stage where I’m frantically trying to make money…Trying not to be too stressed. And the only reason I think I’m not is that I’m on anti-anxiety meds already.

I still KNOW that we will get through this. I KNOW this. But it sure is hard while living through the rough patches.

I also know that others have it way worse and at least we are still healthy and with a roof over our heads, etc etc. But right now I can only focus on trying to do whatever I can to keep myself together and focus all my energy on my business and getting it making money. I don’t know how long this is going to take, but I have been working endlessly on it.

Every waking hour that I can, I am working on my website. It’s coming along so well! I am very proud of all that I’ve gotten done on it! And I just wish I could share with more people! I KNOW I can help so many people! If only I can just make myself known to the right people that need me and can afford to pay me.

It’ll happen…but it’s just taking so damned long. And time just keeps on slipping away and I feel like life is just whizzing by. I’m already 50. I’m probably over halfway through with my life! I know I still have many years, but I want to get this to the point of being successful so I can actually ENJOY my life before my body starts to break down!! And there is SO MUCH I have never been able to do with my kids and my husband that I still want to do…like travel. And live somewhere pretty. In a nice house.

Some day.

I’m just depressed so much these days. I have to focus hard on working on my website to keep myself from sinking too deeply into depression. It works for a time, luckily. It’s situational depression, I’m pretty sure. And if we can just get ourselves out of this awful mess, I’ll be fine again.

*SIGH* Ok, back to work.

I need to make money in a big way

posted in: Stress | 0

It’s starting to really hit me hard. Like so much so that I find I am shaking as I type this. I need to write about this to get this out so I can get back to work.

Our little family (Adam, me, M, and T), has always struggled financially. But we were ok. We are a one-income homeschool family that always found a way to make things work so I could be home with the kids. Initially, because they were little and then later, to homeschool. It’s where I wanted to be. Home with my kids. It’s what Adam and I long ago agreed that we would make work. It’s what we both wanted for our family, but I think Adam would have been happy with whatever I wanted. *I* wanted to be home with my kids since kids have always been what I am all about…that culminated in the ultimate goal of my OWN kids.

And I did manage to make a little money here and there with some home businesses. Nothing that ever took off in big ways, unfortunately. But I did make a fair bit of money over the years doing a few different things. I did an MLM biz at one point (not something I’d ever do again), I created and managed quite a few people’s websites, which brought in some decent money for a while…The most successful thing I did I’d say was my in-home “Mommy and Me” business when my oldest was little. I really loved that one! So fun! I even had so many people emailing me asking about how to do that biz that I wrote a book about it. Sadly, our home isn’t set up for that anymore.

Now our kids are 20 and 16. T is still homeschooling high school, so we are still working on that. M has some pretty big mental health issues we are working on getting her help to enable her to eventually launch. She’s nowhere near ready. This neverending pandemic has complicated EVERYTHING.

And then there are Adam’s work issues… Without vomiting all the details out onto the web for the whole world to see…let’s just say that he and his coworkers inherited their small video/audio production biz after the owner died. They’ve struggled ever since to keep it afloat. None of them signed up to be co-owners of the business, but they’ve done pretty damn well considering it’s not any of their skillsets, running a business. The biz was already struggling in a big way long before the pandemic hit. Then, COVID. Yeah. Didn’t think it could get worse. It did.

Actually, COVID helped in a weird way initially because for quite a while they got government help for paychecks. And then the relief money came to our family. But all of that has long since run out. And nothing has changed in the way of income. In fact, I think it has gotten worse. As in…never know when or even IF we’ll ever get paid.

So now we are back to both Adam and I scrambling to find ways to make money. During a pandemic. Which I do realize is the situation that SO MANY people are in. But I’m talking about OUR situation right now.

I had just started to think since we are all vaccinated that maybe I COULD actually go out and find a job and work outside the home again for the first time in over 20 years…and finally help out again financially. I mean, the kids are self-sufficient. And I really need to help pitch in financially. I WANT to. But then things with the pandemic kept getting worse and worse again. And now we’re at the point with hospitals filling up again and news of even people that are vaccinated are getting sick and I’m back to being worried to leave the house too much.

I’m not concerned about running errands or visiting with vaccinated friends and family…but the idea of working regularly at a job where I’d regularly be exposed to germs from the unvaccinated public…We have enough stress in our lives.

I have elderly parents and an elderly mother-in-law that all live in assisted living communities full of more elderly people. I see them regularly. I am not interested in putting any of these people at risk. Not when I know I can make money at home and keep them all safe and free from that stress. They all have enough stress.

We may all be vaccinated, but no vaccine is 100% effective and some vaccinated people are still getting sick. As I said, we have enough stress in our lives with all the money issues and the health and mental health issues with our parents. My dad’s dementia continues to worsen every day. He’s gone so downhill. He’s in need of being moved to the memory care facility, but they can’t afford it until the VA comes through for them with funds. Still fighting them for that. Another huge stress! And the mental health issues here at home. I seriously am NOT going to put one more thing on our plate.

At least we’ve all been healthy. My shoulder doesn’t hurt all the time anymore, so I am able to function again. (Twice weekly PT still, with my still limited mobility in that shoulder…but I’m making slow progress. And without the excruciating 24/7 pain, I can handle this.) I’m not going to risk bringing this awful illness into our lives. Even if it probably wouldn’t be fatal to any of us, it’s still a truly awful illness, you can’t predict how mild or bad you’ll get it, and we are already maxed out on stress here and we don’t need one more thing. It might not have to be COVID to kill you if stress as a result of that illness causes something else to take you to that point. And I have at least one elderly family member that could get to that point…possibly more. I’m not going to do anything that could lead to that.

I just feel like I’m maxed out and I don’t want to invite more into my life with that potential threat. We’ve stayed healthy and I want to keep it that way. And just deal with what is already on our plate. I’m rambling…but this is just a post to sort through these things in my head and get them out so I can get back to work. Bear with me.

So I am diving deep into developing one of my online businesses. The one that I see has the greatest potential to make the most money. Tina’s Learning Adventures

I have been working so hard on this biz for so long but my damn non-neurotypical (ADHD) brain has kept me from completing the work that needs to be completed and following through on getting this thing launched for so long. But now I am at the point where I NEED to do this. We NEED this to make money for us. NOW.

I have so much to give to homeschoolers that need my help. I have been already doing it for years and years. For free. I run our local homeschool community Facebook group. The largest and most active online group in our community. It currently has 1,587 members! And it is growing exponentially all the time! Especially this time of the year when newbies are scrambling to join us and get help at the start of their journey. I have helped so many people already. I LOVE doing it! It’s time that I dived deeper and started making some money for this kind of work, and help support our family.

We are literally at the point where I’m looking at our last hundred or so dollars disappear bit by bit (freakin out just a little bit here!) and know that we will need to borrow money again from another family member to pay the next bills. We already did that once (I hate that we have to do that!) And still, the tax money that would help us in a huge way is not here. By the time it gets here, it will all have to go to pay back these loans. *SIGH*

Adam used to work odd video editing jobs here and there to make extra money for us but there just haven’t been any in a while. (Hey, if anyone has any video editing jobs that need to be done…HIT ME UP! I’ll put you in touch with my hubby! This man is GOOD at what he does!) And depression also has settled in this house, making it even harder to push through anything and everything for many of us too. (I’m actually doing surprisingly well in this regard most of the time though…I think because I am on meds for anxiety, maybe it helps for depression as well?) But I know we can make it through this. We always do. I truly do believe we will make it out of this just fine. It’s just getting to the other side that is the hard part.

I KNOW I can provide an amazing online homeschool membership community for homeschoolers to help them on their journey. Especially newbies. I KNOW because I’ve already been doing it for years and years! Well over a decade of already doing this for SO MANY homeschoolers! Mostly moms, but some dads and grandparents as well! I have had people tell me that I am the reason that they ended up homeschooling! That’s such an amazing feeling, to know that I helped someone. Every time, it’s like an amazing feel. I LOVE doing it!

And I don’t want to change how I manage my local Facebook group in the process. I want to continue to provide that free community and all that it offers to our local homeschool community. I just want to have a paid community that will allow me to dive deeper and do a lot more hand-holding and dig into my creative mind (THANK YOU ADHD!!) and come up will all sorts of ideas to help my members in ways that I just can’t for free. I want to be able to walk them through things step by step. To help them individualize for their own children and their own homes. I want to help them do the research that they need to do to find their local info (because my members won’t all be local!) And I won’t have a problem spending a lot more time on this because I am getting paid to do this. And my husband and family won’t question the time I spend on it because it is my J.O.B. And I can FINALLY contribute to our family income again and help pay our bills.

Not to mention the fact that so much of the stuff I use on many of my websites cost money to maintain since I have various expenses including hosting and some awesome premium plugins that make my websites KICK ASS. So I really do need to be finding a way to fund that as well. I only bought these things originally thinking that I would eventually be making money on these websites, but it just hadn’t happened yet. Well, it’s time. Now I will.

I just need to find a way to get the word out and find families to join me and find my site. I have worked SO HARD on this site! I’m very proud of it!

Ok, I feel better now. I know I can do this. Now back to work on that membership community! I have a lot of content pages to complete!